Today is August 28th, 2014. Thursday. I'll try and make this quick as I have a shit ton of studying to do.
It's been a good two weeks since I moved in to good old UNC Chapel Hill. Met my roommate. He's a nice dude. He's almost never in the room, so basically I have the room to myself for the majority of the day. I've reconnected with my suitemates from last year. My roommate last year, Jacob, has an apartment off campus and I've hung around there a few times. Had dinner with my suitemate from last year Tyler, quite a few times. But more importantly, I think I'm beginning to find my place, my clique where I feel comfortable. I didn't mention this before, but our suite as a whole last year were friends with two other suites. Several times throughout the semester our three suites would go and get dinner. We'd be those douchebag groups who'd combine like three four-person tables to fit everyone. Back then I had Lauren, so honestly I didn't think much of these people. But they were always nice to me, so I reciprocated the feeling whenever I was with them. And they knew about Lauren, so that'd be something I talked about. But more to the point, some of the guys from the other suites along with Tyler, invited me to go out to the frats with them last week. I'm not much of a party kind of guy, but I decided to tag along. I never took the opportunity to go out much last year, so why not? And though we didn't really find much, I was glad I actually had people to hang out with. I didn't need Lauren's group. They didn't invite me to anything, so why bother? Anyway I've been around this new group for a while. I have class with some of them, so I sit with them and eat at the dining hall after class. That's been nice. I've also hung around with Jacob a lot. He's probably my best friend here at UNC. As I said before, we hung around his place with his roommates. His roommates are cool too, they're the girls from one of the three suites I mentioned earlier. He's pretty lucky, I guess.
I've also tried participating in new extracurriculars too. I joined ukulele club. Met up with my friend Kat, who also plays ukulele. I kind of liked her a few months after me and Lauren broke up, but nothing really happened so I guess we're just okay friends. Waiting for an e-mail regarding a research opportunity as well, so that'll be some interesting stuff. I also plan on volunteering at the same school as last semester. I tutored kids for an after school program. It helped take my mind off the break up with Lauren.
But I know what you all want to know. Yes, I did see Lauren. Only once. It was the night me, Tyler, and the guys from the other suite went out to the frat houses. We caught the bus going to the frats. This bus was located outside our dorm last year, Hinton James. This dorm is the biggest dorm for first-year students on campus, so most of the people at the bus stop were first-years. Lauren happens to live in Hinton James, but I wasn't anticipating actually seeing her there. But she was there. She wasn't going on the bus though. She left her dorm, but walked somewhere else. The direction she was going was weird, I honestly don't really know what she was doing, but she walked passed us. I called out her name, she turned, said hey, and walked away. That was it. Anticlimactic, I know. But this exchange made me mad. In retrospect I had know real reason to be angry, but I was. It was the cheerful way she said "hey." After blocking me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me, she wanted to give me a cheerful hello? It was a very stupid reason to be angry, but I was. It showed that I hadn't fully moved on. I can willfully admit that. I texted my friend Alex, from high school. She goes to ECU, a university an hour away from UNC. She was, and is still my closest female friend. I had a small crush on her, but honestly I knew we weren't ever going to date. But anyway, she told me to forget about her. She helped me remember to focus on the people who really care about you, not on people who no longer do. I saw Lauren's friends/my old group that night too. They knew I was upset. I haven't seen any of them since that night.
It doesn't really matter now, though. I'm in a new group of friends. I also met my new roommate's friend, who have been nothing but nice to me. I'm invited to go to a concert with them soon, so that'll be fun. I have friends, I'm actually doing shit. I'm not the boy from last year who skyped his girlfriend on Saturday nights for 4 hours. I'm not tied down in a relationship anymore. I'm free. And I'm happy. I hope things continue this way. It's been a very long time since I've felt this comfortable.
P.S. As for any girls, or "prospects" as Tyler likes to say, there are a few. There's a girl who lives in the dorm next to mine. I've seen her a few times. Unfortunately I haven't had a chance to talk to her. She's friends with some friends of mine as well, so there was mutual friendship I could incorporate in a conversation. However the only problem is that I have no way of actually starting conversation without making me seem creepy. So unless I can think of something, that's not happening.
Also my roommate now has a friend who's cute as well. I talked to her briefly. The only reason I noticed her honestly was because she said she lived on the 8th floor of Hinton James, the same floor as Lauren. I quickly asked if she knew her, and she told me she has talked to her a few times.
So yeah there's two prospects. The second girl isn't really so much a prospect, but the first one is. We'll see how all of that goes. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
lolwhyareyoudoingthis #thatanswerwillberevealedheresoreaditandenjoy
It's August 12th, 2014. The day after my 20th birthday. "You're old." It's 2 am. Sleep escapes me, so why not start this now? I've been planning on doing this for a while now. But, what is "this" exactly? "This" is going to be the vessel where I lay out my inner thoughts. Cliche, I know. But it has a purpose, a reason. And this reason will be explained through a look at the past.
May 2013. Nearing the end of my senior year of high school. I made new friends that year. I drifted from the group of friends that I had since elementary school. I didn't regret it. One best friend had a baby on the way. A girl. And he didn't tell me until 2 months after his girlfriend's pregnancy. The other friend started using drugs. He was far gone in my eyes. My new friends were people from our high school's swim team, which I was a part of. Our swim team was close, for the most part. There were a few exceptions, but generally, we were a pact. Every Friday night after swim season was over, we'd have a movie night and we'd have homemade pizza. It was always the highlight of my week. I guess if you were to stereotype/judge, you'd say we were the weird hipster kids compared to the jock and goth kids (my old group never really was categorized into anything, but I'd say they were slightly on the nerdy side, but not too far from the weird hipster kids category in terms of "popularity" which is a relative statistic but I digress). The first weekend of May, I am invited to a graduation party for one of the swim team members. She wasn't really part of our "hipster" group, but the swim team in general are pretty close anyway so of course our group went. I was excited, but in the back of my mind there was something bothering me. Within our group, there was some dating going on. 3 couples, total of 6 people. And they made up the majority of our group. The other few girls that were not dating, I personally wasn't interested in. There was jealousy, I noticed, and the possibility existed that they wanted to try and flirt with me. Regardless, I went. And there I noticed that one of the girls was already trying to be clingy with me. I didn't know what to do. Then, I noticed her, for the first time. Lauren. I've known of her existence for years. I only recently became her friend, when we were together in our school's Science Olympiad team. She was close friends with 2 of our swim team members, and 2 non swim team members who we were all mutually friends with. I know, confusing, but bear with me. Of course she's made an appearance in our gatherings but was never an official member of our swim team circle. We did share a dance at prom, but I never thought anything of it. Anyway, Lauren was at this graduation party. Seeing her as a neutral savior, I went and talked to her, so as not to be bothered by the girls I wasn't interested in. This was the first time I really had a conversation with her. And I was shocked, amazed, and just happy. Cliche inbound, but we had a lot in common. She could hold a conversation. Nearing the end of this party, there was a slow song, meant for everyone to slow dance, obviously. The girl interested in me wanted to dance with me, but before she could ask, Lauren took me and we danced instead. I told her thank you, and with a smile she said it was no problem. I knew at this moment, that I wanted to get to know Ms. Casey a little more. The following week, I talked to my friend Sam, who is close to Lauren. I'll never forget his words to me. "She's not not interested in you." With that statement, I confirmed that she was also interested in me. As deemed necessary by the rules of modern dating, we started texting each other. And I learned so much about her. She was so much like me. Same tastes in music. Same life goals. Heck, even the nitpicky things, like remembering very small and really weird details about other people, and our Facebook stalking creepiness. I never felt this way about anyone before, ever. This was more than those usual crushes we all have. This felt real. And I wanted to pursue this further. I asked her out on a date. It was a Sunday. We went to Sweet Frog. I remember staying there for 3 hours, just talking and laughing and just having a good time. For a while, we'd text, occasional skype convo. She made me a mini present, which was a bag of Starbursts with a card saying "Hope you're bursting with excitement over your surprise." with her signature. I thought it was cute, and cute enough to instagram. May 31. I took Lauren to one of the movie nights that our group has. I think that was her first movie night, but she knew everyone there so it wasn't awkward or anything. I remember 2 of the girls, the ones dating 2 other guys from our group, asked me if I was going to ask her out. Secretly I said I was going to, and they giggled like normal 16 year old girls would. They said we'd look great together. That made me happy. So that night, as I took Lauren home, I turned to her street and asked if I could drive around the block so I could ask her something. I knew that she knew what was coming, and her "yes" made me pretty confident. I told her that I liked her a lot and I wanted to be her boyfriend. She said yes. And at that point, I wasn't single. I was in a relationship. And I was the happiest person in the entire world.
We spent the summer together, for the most part. I remember our date at Sonic. My car broke down, and her dad had to bring jumper cables and jump the car. I remember fireworks at the 4th of July, with the other couples in our group. We had front row seats, sat on a towel in the grass, held hands and watched those fireworks. Then an obligatory after fireworks meal at Waffle House, my first time going. She made a vine of it, of course. Summer was a blur. August came around. Freshman year at UNC was about to begin. She gave me some UNC stuff for my birthday, and made me a cookie cake in the theme of Candy Crush. I was addicted to that game, and she knew me so well. We weren't really sad when I left for Chapel Hill. We loved each other, and we knew we were going to see each other again. She was planning on applying to UNC anyway, so we saw a future for us. Fall Break, Thanksgiving I was home, and saw her. She visited me in Chapel Hill occasionally. Christmas Break, I wasn't home. I went to the Philippines and visited family. I missed her so much. I think back sometimes and I think that maybe if I was there, things would be okay now. But thinking like that isn't a good idea. Anyway, we saw each other a couple of times in January. She got accepted to UNC. Everything was falling into place That's when things happened.
We argued for the first time. And to be honest, it was my stubbornness that started it all. She had so many friends, guy friends for that matter. And I really didn't have that many friends. It's not that I cast out or shunned anyone. I just spent my time with my suitemates, and talked to Lauren any other time. I guess I never really looked for any other friends. With the exception of 2 others, they were all I had. And those 2 others didn't really want to spend that much time with me. I was sad. And jealous. And I took it all out on Lauren. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve me to tell her that she should stop talking to her friends. I said things I didn't mean. And she took it to heart. And she realized that maybe I wasn't the guy she wanted to be with forever. That there are other guys out there. She isn't wrong. But I didn't expect her to give up on me. I thought that when I came home for Spring break that we could resolve these issue. But she didn't want to wait. February 19. She broke up with me over the phone. She sent an email to me later explaining everything. I was devastated, but I had to ignore it. I was in school. For a while, I pushed it back, thinking maybe we could talk things out and be friends, or maybe even get back together. I was wrong. I told her that I missed her. She ignored me, she didn't want anything to do with me. She blocked me on every social media outlet available That was even worse than the breakup. The few friends I had helped me, though. My roommate was great. My suitemates were great. Neighbors next door were great. Heck, even the girls from the floor below were great, and I wasn't even that close to them.
Summer 2014. Coming home brought back the memories that I had been trying to repress. I tried contacting Lauren. Nothing. And that was the last time I tried. I learned, with the Lauren situation, that my friend group has kinda kept me in the dark with there activities. Our group is disbanded for the most part, but the ones still left are favored to Lauren, so to keep her happy, they didn't invite me to things. I talked to them later, but overall I knew the situation and was okay with avoiding them. I didn't want to cause any more problems. I returned to my old group. And they accepted me. And being accepted made me happy again. They helped me out more than anyone else had.
Which I guess leads us to now. I have a new start. I want to see how the semester is going to go. Will Lauren talk to me at Chapel Hill and be friends with me? Will she continue to ignore me? Will I meet someone new? Will I rejoin my old group? Will I join a new group? It's a scary, but a new and exciting time. And that's why I want to write. I want to record how things progress with my new situation. My new beginning. Hope you enjoy, as if people are going to read this anyway.
May 2013. Nearing the end of my senior year of high school. I made new friends that year. I drifted from the group of friends that I had since elementary school. I didn't regret it. One best friend had a baby on the way. A girl. And he didn't tell me until 2 months after his girlfriend's pregnancy. The other friend started using drugs. He was far gone in my eyes. My new friends were people from our high school's swim team, which I was a part of. Our swim team was close, for the most part. There were a few exceptions, but generally, we were a pact. Every Friday night after swim season was over, we'd have a movie night and we'd have homemade pizza. It was always the highlight of my week. I guess if you were to stereotype/judge, you'd say we were the weird hipster kids compared to the jock and goth kids (my old group never really was categorized into anything, but I'd say they were slightly on the nerdy side, but not too far from the weird hipster kids category in terms of "popularity" which is a relative statistic but I digress). The first weekend of May, I am invited to a graduation party for one of the swim team members. She wasn't really part of our "hipster" group, but the swim team in general are pretty close anyway so of course our group went. I was excited, but in the back of my mind there was something bothering me. Within our group, there was some dating going on. 3 couples, total of 6 people. And they made up the majority of our group. The other few girls that were not dating, I personally wasn't interested in. There was jealousy, I noticed, and the possibility existed that they wanted to try and flirt with me. Regardless, I went. And there I noticed that one of the girls was already trying to be clingy with me. I didn't know what to do. Then, I noticed her, for the first time. Lauren. I've known of her existence for years. I only recently became her friend, when we were together in our school's Science Olympiad team. She was close friends with 2 of our swim team members, and 2 non swim team members who we were all mutually friends with. I know, confusing, but bear with me. Of course she's made an appearance in our gatherings but was never an official member of our swim team circle. We did share a dance at prom, but I never thought anything of it. Anyway, Lauren was at this graduation party. Seeing her as a neutral savior, I went and talked to her, so as not to be bothered by the girls I wasn't interested in. This was the first time I really had a conversation with her. And I was shocked, amazed, and just happy. Cliche inbound, but we had a lot in common. She could hold a conversation. Nearing the end of this party, there was a slow song, meant for everyone to slow dance, obviously. The girl interested in me wanted to dance with me, but before she could ask, Lauren took me and we danced instead. I told her thank you, and with a smile she said it was no problem. I knew at this moment, that I wanted to get to know Ms. Casey a little more. The following week, I talked to my friend Sam, who is close to Lauren. I'll never forget his words to me. "She's not not interested in you." With that statement, I confirmed that she was also interested in me. As deemed necessary by the rules of modern dating, we started texting each other. And I learned so much about her. She was so much like me. Same tastes in music. Same life goals. Heck, even the nitpicky things, like remembering very small and really weird details about other people, and our Facebook stalking creepiness. I never felt this way about anyone before, ever. This was more than those usual crushes we all have. This felt real. And I wanted to pursue this further. I asked her out on a date. It was a Sunday. We went to Sweet Frog. I remember staying there for 3 hours, just talking and laughing and just having a good time. For a while, we'd text, occasional skype convo. She made me a mini present, which was a bag of Starbursts with a card saying "Hope you're bursting with excitement over your surprise." with her signature. I thought it was cute, and cute enough to instagram. May 31. I took Lauren to one of the movie nights that our group has. I think that was her first movie night, but she knew everyone there so it wasn't awkward or anything. I remember 2 of the girls, the ones dating 2 other guys from our group, asked me if I was going to ask her out. Secretly I said I was going to, and they giggled like normal 16 year old girls would. They said we'd look great together. That made me happy. So that night, as I took Lauren home, I turned to her street and asked if I could drive around the block so I could ask her something. I knew that she knew what was coming, and her "yes" made me pretty confident. I told her that I liked her a lot and I wanted to be her boyfriend. She said yes. And at that point, I wasn't single. I was in a relationship. And I was the happiest person in the entire world.
We spent the summer together, for the most part. I remember our date at Sonic. My car broke down, and her dad had to bring jumper cables and jump the car. I remember fireworks at the 4th of July, with the other couples in our group. We had front row seats, sat on a towel in the grass, held hands and watched those fireworks. Then an obligatory after fireworks meal at Waffle House, my first time going. She made a vine of it, of course. Summer was a blur. August came around. Freshman year at UNC was about to begin. She gave me some UNC stuff for my birthday, and made me a cookie cake in the theme of Candy Crush. I was addicted to that game, and she knew me so well. We weren't really sad when I left for Chapel Hill. We loved each other, and we knew we were going to see each other again. She was planning on applying to UNC anyway, so we saw a future for us. Fall Break, Thanksgiving I was home, and saw her. She visited me in Chapel Hill occasionally. Christmas Break, I wasn't home. I went to the Philippines and visited family. I missed her so much. I think back sometimes and I think that maybe if I was there, things would be okay now. But thinking like that isn't a good idea. Anyway, we saw each other a couple of times in January. She got accepted to UNC. Everything was falling into place That's when things happened.
We argued for the first time. And to be honest, it was my stubbornness that started it all. She had so many friends, guy friends for that matter. And I really didn't have that many friends. It's not that I cast out or shunned anyone. I just spent my time with my suitemates, and talked to Lauren any other time. I guess I never really looked for any other friends. With the exception of 2 others, they were all I had. And those 2 others didn't really want to spend that much time with me. I was sad. And jealous. And I took it all out on Lauren. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve me to tell her that she should stop talking to her friends. I said things I didn't mean. And she took it to heart. And she realized that maybe I wasn't the guy she wanted to be with forever. That there are other guys out there. She isn't wrong. But I didn't expect her to give up on me. I thought that when I came home for Spring break that we could resolve these issue. But she didn't want to wait. February 19. She broke up with me over the phone. She sent an email to me later explaining everything. I was devastated, but I had to ignore it. I was in school. For a while, I pushed it back, thinking maybe we could talk things out and be friends, or maybe even get back together. I was wrong. I told her that I missed her. She ignored me, she didn't want anything to do with me. She blocked me on every social media outlet available That was even worse than the breakup. The few friends I had helped me, though. My roommate was great. My suitemates were great. Neighbors next door were great. Heck, even the girls from the floor below were great, and I wasn't even that close to them.
Summer 2014. Coming home brought back the memories that I had been trying to repress. I tried contacting Lauren. Nothing. And that was the last time I tried. I learned, with the Lauren situation, that my friend group has kinda kept me in the dark with there activities. Our group is disbanded for the most part, but the ones still left are favored to Lauren, so to keep her happy, they didn't invite me to things. I talked to them later, but overall I knew the situation and was okay with avoiding them. I didn't want to cause any more problems. I returned to my old group. And they accepted me. And being accepted made me happy again. They helped me out more than anyone else had.
Which I guess leads us to now. I have a new start. I want to see how the semester is going to go. Will Lauren talk to me at Chapel Hill and be friends with me? Will she continue to ignore me? Will I meet someone new? Will I rejoin my old group? Will I join a new group? It's a scary, but a new and exciting time. And that's why I want to write. I want to record how things progress with my new situation. My new beginning. Hope you enjoy, as if people are going to read this anyway.
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