just a thought

How hard is it to find someone, a significant other? What constitutes a good significant other? I always thought it was a balance of similarities and differences. The similarities to form common ground and differences that make the relationship exciting and new. Certain issues take precedence over others and maybe there must be consensus and agreement if the relationship would ever last.

I’ve known this girl for a while now. Short, maybe 5’2, brunette curly hair, dresses nice. She is very passionate about social justice, and our political views align almost identically. Specifically, we agree completely on immigration laws. We’ve been in multiple Spanish classes together and she speaks it probably better than me honestly. She isn’t stuck up. She’s not one of those girls that dislikes nerdy things. She likes Harry Potter, her and her roommates named their house The Burrow. She has good taste in music. Once, she recognized the tune of a Billy Joel song I was humming before class started. She’s nice, but honest. If there’s something bothering her, she’ll tell you. But she’s not annoying about it, not complaining all the time. Funny enough it reminds me of how I act around others. For example there is this other girl in our Spanish class who is always nice. Never a frown on her face. Never complains about anything. That isn’t how I am. And it’s not how this girl is either. We’ll complain if something is bothering us, but only if someone’s willing to listen. She’s not a recluse. She’ll go out and drink if she has the time. So will I. She has hobbies, she likes to dance. I like to go to the gym or play video games. She asked me to explain fantasy basketball to her. She uses twitter, a lot.

She’s almost perfect. She has a boyfriend.

Everything I listed doesn’t matter because of that one fact. So I set it all aside and just keep looking forward. It just sucks sometimes. 

more proof

Last week I met up with some friends. The girl from State there. It was her birthday.. So we all went out for dinner. I was so happy. I was getting another shot at talking to her, pursuing something. Even though I told myself to live for myself for a little, I didn't want to let this opportunity slip. So I talked to her. And the excitement that I had before, the same connection that I had felt when I first met her, it wasn't there. As I listened to her, as I talked to her, even when I hugged her goodbye, I felt nothing. I built that one exchange last year up so much in my mind that I had pictured this perfect girl, this girl who could be by my side. That wasn't the case. Bluntly, she just didn't appear to be my type anymore. Or maybe she just never was. Maybe I was so engrossed in finding a girl who I could be with that I just painted a picture in my head, a picture that didn't translate to what was reality.

Am I disappointed? A little bit. But this is all just proof that I need to focus on myself more. Improve myself physically and mentally. Lose that extra bit of fat, for myself. Improve my grades and stay locked in on my school work and ultimately my future, for myself. I think it'll work out better if I think for myself, and I'm going to do just that.

To move forward

So I'm a college senior now. I start the school year next week and I've been thinking about moving forward. I think I'm going to focus more on myself than I have before. I lost weight and started going to the gym 2 years ago to impress girls. I focused so much on trying to look better with the belief that it will somehow attract girls to me. I still have a little bit more weight to go, but I'm going to get rid of it for my sake, not for anyone else's.

Ironically, I thought about this because of a girl I liked. She posts a lot on Facebook and a general theme of hers is that she is an independent woman who wants to focus on her future and let the man come after or perhaps in conjunction. She's not willing to commit if it won't last, or if it'll distract her from her goals. That's the mindset I'm trying to live.

How realistic is that though? Maybe I've been watching to much television, but I thought love is so important that it trumps everything else, that you would make sacrifices for the person that you love. But am I ready for that? I have had many crushes during the past few years in college, but not one has given me the feeling to sacrifice my needs, to pursue more.

So until then I'll live for me. I'll complete this year and move forward.

Summer school, finishing junior year, girls, life

Been a while since I typed out one of these but I just have a lot on my mind so I can try an air it out here.

I finished my junior year of college. Better grades than last year, but I could still do better. As long as I finish with a 3.0 or higher I'll be fine given my extracurricular activities (for grad school/med school possibly). I'm in Summer School taking a genetics class. It doesn't seem too hard right now but I have a feeling it may pick up soon.

Being a senior feels weird. Mainly because I'm still trying to figure things out. I wish I had all the answers. Part of me wishes things were stable, that I was working my future job, coming home possibly to a girlfriend or wife or even kids. But I'm still in college, still grinding out my early-mid 20s. I'm going to enjoy this period in my life because they only happen once.

In terms of girls or crushes, it's been quiet. I had a chance to talk to the girl from State, but nothing happened in that front. I was drunk and I barely remember the night anyway. We've talked on Instagram a tiny bit but nothing else. Besides her, there hasn't been anyone else that I've talked to. I've seen a few girls around but I haven't had the urge to go out and do something about it. I'm just going with the flow at this point, so we'll see how that goes I guess.

Yeah that seems to be it. I'll come back here if I ever feel the need to type out my feelings or something.

writing about a girl (again)

So I should be studying or something but a lot of things have been on my mind lately and I really need to think about them. So we'll use this blog as a projection of my feelings again!

I haven't written much on here because I had no reason too. Between summer 2015 and now I haven't really pursued any new "flames" lately, just enjoying being single I guess. But the past couple of months there has been a girl I've been thinking about. The thing is there hasn't really been much interaction between us. The first and only time I met her face to face was last Halloween.

Me and my group of friends went out on Halloween (I was a penguin, which matters later). The university closes off a couple of blocks of the biggest street at UNC so people can walk around in there costumes. Someone in our group, who at the time I didn't know all that well, invited his girlfriend and her roommates from a different school  (NC State) to join us. We also met up with Jacob's girlfriend and her friends as well. So at one point we had maybe 16 people all together. After a few minutes together we all split up. Jacob and Tyler, who are both my roommates at this point, Jacob's girlfriend and her friends all went together. Me, 4 other guys (who are all roommates) as well as the girls from State were the second group. Normally I'd go with Jacob since we're close friends, but full disclosure I'm not the biggest fan of his girlfriend so I chose to go with the other group. (Another side bar, I met that guy in our group and his girlfriend at a pre-Halloween party so we were acquainted beforehand.) So after a couple of minutes perusing the street our group decided to head back to the 4 guys's apartment since the girls brought air mattresses to sleep on. I went with them since I hadn't been in there apartment yet and I was meaning to visit. Initially I had no opinion about the girls from State, I just talked with the other guys just because I was already friends with them. However on our way back one girl caught my eye a little. She was very short, maybe only 5 feet tall, talked to me a little. She mentioned how my penguin feet were getting dirty from walking, which she then decided to make her snapchat story for who knows why. I say she only caught my eye a little because her costume made it difficult to judge her appearance. (She was dressed as an old lady, with millions of hair curlers and an old lady nightgown). I just saw how tall she was and a little of her face. When we got back to the apartment, this girl changed into a tank top and some shorts but kept some of the hair curlers. She looked pretty cute, so I decided to sit next to her in the couch to make a move. I had a few shots of vodka and was a little buzzed, which made me a little more sociable than I am normally. We talked, though I can't say that we had much alone time since so many people were there. We did steal someone's quesadilla when they weren't looking and shared it. We talked about how different our schools are and she laughed at me trying to roast one of my friends. She was a fun girl to talk to. After maybe 2 and a half hours of talking with her mostly as well as the other girls, at a little before 2 am, I left. We didn't exchange numbers. Hell I didn't even get her name.

The next morning I looked her up on Instagram since she was in a group picture with her roommate (who was that guy's girlfriend I met the night before). Without her hair curlers and costume, I saw how gorgeous she was. This girl was actually talking and laughing and having fun with me yet to me she seemed so much more attractive than any girl I should be talking to. (I really shouldn't say that, I don't have self-esteem issues or anything.) I know that there were no romantic undertones between our interaction (I think? shit i'm bad at this but I don't want to overthink)

Yes, you are now wondering why I'm making such a big deal about this. It's just that this doesn't happen to me often. I go to parties with groups of people I know and I don't tend to go outside of that circle. I don't have one-night stands with different girls every weekend. I had one great night talking with a cool girl who I never met before and could potentially never meet again. Like that How I Met Your Mother episode where Ted meets Victoria for the first time and they vow to have a great night and never meet each other again in order to preserve the great moment together. Except that was TV and this is real life and it wasn't as romantic but hey it was a decent analogy. I guess I just feel like I have a chance here and that's what I keep thinking of.

Physically, she's near perfect. She's attractive, short, which works for my 5'4 self. She's blonde, which is my weakness. Personality wise, she seems fun, can hold a conversation. I don't think I could be bored with this girl. It's just I know nothing else about her. What she wants to do with her life, music she likes, political views, none of that.

A little of me wants to keep that night as a great night without thinking about seeing her again. Except I can't really. We follow each other on Instagram now. We like each others pictures. I wish I knew whether she has at least thought of me. But that's the funny thing. I CAN find that out.

Another reason this has been on my mind lately was because I saw her roommate/the guy's girlfriend about two weeks ago. She invited me to NC State to a birthday party for one of the other roommates, who I also met and talked to a little last Halloween. That's why I wrote this. Ever since that invite I've been revisiting that night on Halloween in my head while also telling myself that seeing that girl again may not be as great as it was before. But if things worked out I would love to date her, honestly we'd look like a cute couple. I want a change in the rhythm of my life. I haven't dated in two years. She is my chance to get back out there, experience dating life again. We'll see how it goes, and while my mind wants me to be cautious of dating, I want to get to know this girl and escape the routine I've been on for the past 2 years.