more proof

Last week I met up with some friends. The girl from State there. It was her birthday.. So we all went out for dinner. I was so happy. I was getting another shot at talking to her, pursuing something. Even though I told myself to live for myself for a little, I didn't want to let this opportunity slip. So I talked to her. And the excitement that I had before, the same connection that I had felt when I first met her, it wasn't there. As I listened to her, as I talked to her, even when I hugged her goodbye, I felt nothing. I built that one exchange last year up so much in my mind that I had pictured this perfect girl, this girl who could be by my side. That wasn't the case. Bluntly, she just didn't appear to be my type anymore. Or maybe she just never was. Maybe I was so engrossed in finding a girl who I could be with that I just painted a picture in my head, a picture that didn't translate to what was reality.

Am I disappointed? A little bit. But this is all just proof that I need to focus on myself more. Improve myself physically and mentally. Lose that extra bit of fat, for myself. Improve my grades and stay locked in on my school work and ultimately my future, for myself. I think it'll work out better if I think for myself, and I'm going to do just that.

To move forward

So I'm a college senior now. I start the school year next week and I've been thinking about moving forward. I think I'm going to focus more on myself than I have before. I lost weight and started going to the gym 2 years ago to impress girls. I focused so much on trying to look better with the belief that it will somehow attract girls to me. I still have a little bit more weight to go, but I'm going to get rid of it for my sake, not for anyone else's.

Ironically, I thought about this because of a girl I liked. She posts a lot on Facebook and a general theme of hers is that she is an independent woman who wants to focus on her future and let the man come after or perhaps in conjunction. She's not willing to commit if it won't last, or if it'll distract her from her goals. That's the mindset I'm trying to live.

How realistic is that though? Maybe I've been watching to much television, but I thought love is so important that it trumps everything else, that you would make sacrifices for the person that you love. But am I ready for that? I have had many crushes during the past few years in college, but not one has given me the feeling to sacrifice my needs, to pursue more.

So until then I'll live for me. I'll complete this year and move forward.