just a thought

How hard is it to find someone, a significant other? What constitutes a good significant other? I always thought it was a balance of similarities and differences. The similarities to form common ground and differences that make the relationship exciting and new. Certain issues take precedence over others and maybe there must be consensus and agreement if the relationship would ever last.

I’ve known this girl for a while now. Short, maybe 5’2, brunette curly hair, dresses nice. She is very passionate about social justice, and our political views align almost identically. Specifically, we agree completely on immigration laws. We’ve been in multiple Spanish classes together and she speaks it probably better than me honestly. She isn’t stuck up. She’s not one of those girls that dislikes nerdy things. She likes Harry Potter, her and her roommates named their house The Burrow. She has good taste in music. Once, she recognized the tune of a Billy Joel song I was humming before class started. She’s nice, but honest. If there’s something bothering her, she’ll tell you. But she’s not annoying about it, not complaining all the time. Funny enough it reminds me of how I act around others. For example there is this other girl in our Spanish class who is always nice. Never a frown on her face. Never complains about anything. That isn’t how I am. And it’s not how this girl is either. We’ll complain if something is bothering us, but only if someone’s willing to listen. She’s not a recluse. She’ll go out and drink if she has the time. So will I. She has hobbies, she likes to dance. I like to go to the gym or play video games. She asked me to explain fantasy basketball to her. She uses twitter, a lot.

She’s almost perfect. She has a boyfriend.

Everything I listed doesn’t matter because of that one fact. So I set it all aside and just keep looking forward. It just sucks sometimes. 

more proof

Last week I met up with some friends. The girl from State there. It was her birthday.. So we all went out for dinner. I was so happy. I was getting another shot at talking to her, pursuing something. Even though I told myself to live for myself for a little, I didn't want to let this opportunity slip. So I talked to her. And the excitement that I had before, the same connection that I had felt when I first met her, it wasn't there. As I listened to her, as I talked to her, even when I hugged her goodbye, I felt nothing. I built that one exchange last year up so much in my mind that I had pictured this perfect girl, this girl who could be by my side. That wasn't the case. Bluntly, she just didn't appear to be my type anymore. Or maybe she just never was. Maybe I was so engrossed in finding a girl who I could be with that I just painted a picture in my head, a picture that didn't translate to what was reality.

Am I disappointed? A little bit. But this is all just proof that I need to focus on myself more. Improve myself physically and mentally. Lose that extra bit of fat, for myself. Improve my grades and stay locked in on my school work and ultimately my future, for myself. I think it'll work out better if I think for myself, and I'm going to do just that.

To move forward

So I'm a college senior now. I start the school year next week and I've been thinking about moving forward. I think I'm going to focus more on myself than I have before. I lost weight and started going to the gym 2 years ago to impress girls. I focused so much on trying to look better with the belief that it will somehow attract girls to me. I still have a little bit more weight to go, but I'm going to get rid of it for my sake, not for anyone else's.

Ironically, I thought about this because of a girl I liked. She posts a lot on Facebook and a general theme of hers is that she is an independent woman who wants to focus on her future and let the man come after or perhaps in conjunction. She's not willing to commit if it won't last, or if it'll distract her from her goals. That's the mindset I'm trying to live.

How realistic is that though? Maybe I've been watching to much television, but I thought love is so important that it trumps everything else, that you would make sacrifices for the person that you love. But am I ready for that? I have had many crushes during the past few years in college, but not one has given me the feeling to sacrifice my needs, to pursue more.

So until then I'll live for me. I'll complete this year and move forward.

Summer school, finishing junior year, girls, life

Been a while since I typed out one of these but I just have a lot on my mind so I can try an air it out here.

I finished my junior year of college. Better grades than last year, but I could still do better. As long as I finish with a 3.0 or higher I'll be fine given my extracurricular activities (for grad school/med school possibly). I'm in Summer School taking a genetics class. It doesn't seem too hard right now but I have a feeling it may pick up soon.

Being a senior feels weird. Mainly because I'm still trying to figure things out. I wish I had all the answers. Part of me wishes things were stable, that I was working my future job, coming home possibly to a girlfriend or wife or even kids. But I'm still in college, still grinding out my early-mid 20s. I'm going to enjoy this period in my life because they only happen once.

In terms of girls or crushes, it's been quiet. I had a chance to talk to the girl from State, but nothing happened in that front. I was drunk and I barely remember the night anyway. We've talked on Instagram a tiny bit but nothing else. Besides her, there hasn't been anyone else that I've talked to. I've seen a few girls around but I haven't had the urge to go out and do something about it. I'm just going with the flow at this point, so we'll see how that goes I guess.

Yeah that seems to be it. I'll come back here if I ever feel the need to type out my feelings or something.

writing about a girl (again)

So I should be studying or something but a lot of things have been on my mind lately and I really need to think about them. So we'll use this blog as a projection of my feelings again!

I haven't written much on here because I had no reason too. Between summer 2015 and now I haven't really pursued any new "flames" lately, just enjoying being single I guess. But the past couple of months there has been a girl I've been thinking about. The thing is there hasn't really been much interaction between us. The first and only time I met her face to face was last Halloween.

Me and my group of friends went out on Halloween (I was a penguin, which matters later). The university closes off a couple of blocks of the biggest street at UNC so people can walk around in there costumes. Someone in our group, who at the time I didn't know all that well, invited his girlfriend and her roommates from a different school  (NC State) to join us. We also met up with Jacob's girlfriend and her friends as well. So at one point we had maybe 16 people all together. After a few minutes together we all split up. Jacob and Tyler, who are both my roommates at this point, Jacob's girlfriend and her friends all went together. Me, 4 other guys (who are all roommates) as well as the girls from State were the second group. Normally I'd go with Jacob since we're close friends, but full disclosure I'm not the biggest fan of his girlfriend so I chose to go with the other group. (Another side bar, I met that guy in our group and his girlfriend at a pre-Halloween party so we were acquainted beforehand.) So after a couple of minutes perusing the street our group decided to head back to the 4 guys's apartment since the girls brought air mattresses to sleep on. I went with them since I hadn't been in there apartment yet and I was meaning to visit. Initially I had no opinion about the girls from State, I just talked with the other guys just because I was already friends with them. However on our way back one girl caught my eye a little. She was very short, maybe only 5 feet tall, talked to me a little. She mentioned how my penguin feet were getting dirty from walking, which she then decided to make her snapchat story for who knows why. I say she only caught my eye a little because her costume made it difficult to judge her appearance. (She was dressed as an old lady, with millions of hair curlers and an old lady nightgown). I just saw how tall she was and a little of her face. When we got back to the apartment, this girl changed into a tank top and some shorts but kept some of the hair curlers. She looked pretty cute, so I decided to sit next to her in the couch to make a move. I had a few shots of vodka and was a little buzzed, which made me a little more sociable than I am normally. We talked, though I can't say that we had much alone time since so many people were there. We did steal someone's quesadilla when they weren't looking and shared it. We talked about how different our schools are and she laughed at me trying to roast one of my friends. She was a fun girl to talk to. After maybe 2 and a half hours of talking with her mostly as well as the other girls, at a little before 2 am, I left. We didn't exchange numbers. Hell I didn't even get her name.

The next morning I looked her up on Instagram since she was in a group picture with her roommate (who was that guy's girlfriend I met the night before). Without her hair curlers and costume, I saw how gorgeous she was. This girl was actually talking and laughing and having fun with me yet to me she seemed so much more attractive than any girl I should be talking to. (I really shouldn't say that, I don't have self-esteem issues or anything.) I know that there were no romantic undertones between our interaction (I think? shit i'm bad at this but I don't want to overthink)

Yes, you are now wondering why I'm making such a big deal about this. It's just that this doesn't happen to me often. I go to parties with groups of people I know and I don't tend to go outside of that circle. I don't have one-night stands with different girls every weekend. I had one great night talking with a cool girl who I never met before and could potentially never meet again. Like that How I Met Your Mother episode where Ted meets Victoria for the first time and they vow to have a great night and never meet each other again in order to preserve the great moment together. Except that was TV and this is real life and it wasn't as romantic but hey it was a decent analogy. I guess I just feel like I have a chance here and that's what I keep thinking of.

Physically, she's near perfect. She's attractive, short, which works for my 5'4 self. She's blonde, which is my weakness. Personality wise, she seems fun, can hold a conversation. I don't think I could be bored with this girl. It's just I know nothing else about her. What she wants to do with her life, music she likes, political views, none of that.

A little of me wants to keep that night as a great night without thinking about seeing her again. Except I can't really. We follow each other on Instagram now. We like each others pictures. I wish I knew whether she has at least thought of me. But that's the funny thing. I CAN find that out.

Another reason this has been on my mind lately was because I saw her roommate/the guy's girlfriend about two weeks ago. She invited me to NC State to a birthday party for one of the other roommates, who I also met and talked to a little last Halloween. That's why I wrote this. Ever since that invite I've been revisiting that night on Halloween in my head while also telling myself that seeing that girl again may not be as great as it was before. But if things worked out I would love to date her, honestly we'd look like a cute couple. I want a change in the rhythm of my life. I haven't dated in two years. She is my chance to get back out there, experience dating life again. We'll see how it goes, and while my mind wants me to be cautious of dating, I want to get to know this girl and escape the routine I've been on for the past 2 years.

I'm happy. That's the truth. I have every reason to be. It's almost been a year and I want to take a moment and just think about that. February 19th, 2014. It was a Wednesday and I was playing my ukulele on the balcony of my freshman dorm room. You called me. We hadn't talked in two days and I was worried. But you called me. And you said that we were through. You, Lauren, said that you no longer wished to be with me. And that broke my heart. Why did a girl whom I dated for only nine months had such an impact on me? Well, she was the first girl that I ever loved. I tore down every wall and left myself vulnerable, thinking that we'd make it. What a naive sentiment, thinking back. But I had no idea. And after she broke up with me, I still had no idea. I had no idea for a long time, too long of a time. But what else could I do? I tried every coping mechanism that I thought would work. But nothing worked. Nothing worked for 4 months. The sadness was alleviated, temporarily, during the summer. Going back home over the summer helped me find the people who truly were with me, and who were not. But coming back to school and seeing you. It brought back all the sadness. And for two months, I was struggling. I forced myself to create a blog, a diary of my feelings, to help cope. Still, despite being 7 months since our breakup, I still was at a loss. But, just like during the summer, I learned who my real friends were. And being with them, every day, gave me happiness again. And you, Lauren, became nothing. You went from my one and only thought, to someone that no longer had any meaning. Because my family and my friends, who are my second family, are the only people who deserve to have any meaning.

You unblocked me on Facebook. I think it was because you saw me, last week I believe. I barely noticed you. Jacob, my best friend, was actually the one who spotted you. And I smiled and waved, just as a polite person would do to someone he knew. But I didn't stop. I didn't stop and talk to you. Because I was with Jacob and Emily. And they're my friends, who deserve my attention more than you do. Maybe you unblocked me because you realize that it's pointless now. And you're right, it is.

Lauren, I loved you. Truly I did. But that's over. And I'm glad it is. Because in the course of a year, so many things have changed, for the better. I lost almost 30 pounds. I grew out my hair. And more importantly, I found my circle, my crew, my group of friends. And I couldn't be any more happier to be a part of their shenanigans.

It may seem contradictory to say all this even though I'm mentioning her. But I doubt that there will ever be another post about her, ever. I only started this blog to help cope. But I no longer need to, and is why I haven't posted much.

But more importantly, this post isn't dedicated to Lauren. This is dedicated to all the people in my life who helped me, one way or another, in the past year.

Thank you Sammy, David, Nathan, and Jerry for giving me a home over the summer, metaphorically. I've known you guys for years and our squad will never be broken. I'm thankful for all the advice you've given me about Lauren, and I can't wait to spend the summer with you guys again.

Thank you Tim, Pav and Justin (and David L but I never see you these days!) for the couple squad hangouts in Avery, and various shenanigans. I'm glad we've gotten closer this year and I hope to go out to more parties with the gang soon!

Thank you Alicia, Jess, Naomi and Taylor, for being just fun lady friends to be around and being a part of the "squad," (I've used that word so much). I remember you all coming up to our suite last year and were always so friendly, and I'm glad I get to hang out with you all more often. I miss the lunch group last semester though, Hope to have more nights out partying more often!

Thank you Sean, Walker, Jordon and Tyler, my suitemates last year. Sean, you're a chill dude. Shame I see you the least out of everyone else nowadays, but it was nice hanging out last year, and I wish you luck with NROTC, and hope you and Brittany are doing well. Walker, your shenanigans last year always had me laughing. I'm glad you still remember me these days and give invites to Alpha Sig parties. Jordon, always coming in clutch whenever I need a haircut. You're chill af and wish we hung out more! Tyler, I don't think there's ever a week when we don't eat at least one unplanned dinner at the dining hall together. Rooming in Rams Village next year will be chill. Glad to have you as a friend.

Thank you Emma and Emily. Nowadays I see you two practically every day. I always love the mall trips, the nights talking in yall's room, the various squad lunches, the shit talking and complaining about classes, and so much more. You two will always be my closest girl friends here, and I'm very thankful to have been neighbors last year. I'm sure we'll all take a mall trip soon, maybe Smithfield to the outlets? Yeah that'll have to happen.

Thank you Jacob. You're basically my closest friend. It's weird, how life works. You were my randomly assigned roommate freshman year, yet we're basically the same person. We like all the same shit and we're basically striving for the same dream job. We've spent so many nights just talking. We've taken a million trips to the mall. I swear we eat out somewhere like 3 times a week. You're like a brother to me, and I'm glad we met. I hope you find a girl who shares your values and wants to travel and doesn't want children until after like 35. Though I already know who you have in mind. But let's hope that works out.

And that's that. All those people have made my life a million times better. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

been studying for finals! sorry for no posts

December 7th, 2014. Sunday. 

It's finals week. Sorry for the lack of posts. Been way to busy with various things in my life. So I guess we can recap from when I last posted.

Thanksgiving Break was really chill. I needed a break. I bought Pokemon Omega Ruby and played the shit out of that most of break. My family and I went to Virginia to celebrate Thanksgiving. We went Black Friday shopping and I bought a shit ton of sweaters. Gotta stay warm during this cold season! It's funny, we actually didn't sit down and have a big family Thanksgiving dinner like most people do. Instead we went straight to shopping Thursday night and Friday morning. Having turkey and a big meal like most people isn't that important to us. It is a day to be thankful, but I like being cliche and saying that everyday we should be thankful. Which, though cliche, is true, and I guess that justifies me not caring too much about it! And hey, I spent quality time with my family for most of break, and that to me is more important than a big dinner.

Then I came back. Studied Orgo for the whole week, took the exam, then studying Analytical chem for next few days. The Orgo exam wasn't bad at all, so I hope I got a B or something like that. Having a D would be a setback so let's hope that doesn't happen.

I actually have a Spanish exam tomorrow, but as long as I don't fail it I'll be fine. I think even with a C on the exam I'll still have a B, so hopefully that's the case.

Haven't seen third girl in a long time. But I don't care about all that right now. I just want to pass all these exams. I'm probably going to pursue less at this point. Actively trying to get a girlfriend would be a distraction to my mind. If something happens (whatever that may be), then yeah I won't waste an opportunity. But in my mind I won't be actively forcing myself to crush on this or that girl. Focusing on my studies is the key theme for next semester. 

And thanks for reading! I'm almost at 1k views, even though I don't know why any of you read this. But hey, I don't mind, keep on going!