in need of some R&R (such an outdated term) + been doing pretty good

October 24th, 2014. Friday. I'm waiting for Jacob to get here, then we're just going to chill. It's been a mentally taxing week and I need a break. Two Chemistry exams and a Spanish paper have drained me. The Analytical Chemistry test was awful. I have a D in that class, but sadly so do a lot of people. The average on the test was a 69. The other teacher's class had a 91 average. Says a lot. The Organic Chemistry exam wasn't bad but I studied 10x more for that one anyway. Fuck man, I need to do better.

Enough about school. I've been doing really well. I saw third girl A LOT this week. I was in the library every day this week. It's my new home. Turns out she hangs around the library a lot as well. I've basically found more reason to go there now. I talked to her several times, established myself as a friend I guess.

I really do like her. But part of me is so apathetic about asking her out. I guess my grades are a factor in that. Maybe fear of rejection is another. But I hate that. I hate using that as an excuse. It shouldn't be. I got too comfortable with Lauren, maybe that's why. But I'm not really going to mention Lauren much anymore. I don't care about her anymore, so writing about her is pointless unless she talks to me. Anyway, I'm comfortable talking to third girl. She's smart and really cares about both doing good in school and having fun. She isn't just a workaholic but she also doesn't neglect school either. Funny, she reminds me a lot of how Lauren was. I can see me in a relationship with her. But she also doesn't come off as someone who really wants to be in a relationship. She likes talking to different people and socializing, not someone tied down. But it's not like you're that tied down in a relationship. Unless she wants to have sex with a shit ton of guys. Then of course a relationship wouldn't be for her, but she doesn't seem like that kind of girl. (disclaimer: that "kind of girl" isn't a bad kind of girl, just clarifying in case someone interprets otherwise).  I really don't know. The only way I'll know for sure is if I continue talking to her and ask her on a date. That's it. Yet that seems so hard for me. I wish everything would just fall right on my lap but life's not that easy. So I'll "grow some balls" (hate that term too) and see what I can do.

Anyway as for other updates, I'm back at it at the gym. Had a good workout today. As I mentioned before in the last blog, I gained some weight, which means more dieting and more gym. I hate dieting, but who doesn't? I spent the summer dieting and it was shitty. Passing by that damn McDonald's a minute away from my house and not getting anything the whole summer was a shame. Okay I lied, I did treat myself a few times. But I only got Fish Fillets, so does that really count?

Suitemates are still interestingly weird. The fire alarm went off yesterday and John and Andrew were making a fool out of themselves. John yelled at people. People looked at them funny. Sometimes I wish I didn't know them. But at the same time I sympathize and appreciate them. It could be worse. Definitely could be worse.

Yeah that's about it. Even though this week was fucking tiring, there were a lot of positives. And I'm hoping that the positives are here to stay.

Fall break fun, comfortability + major changes are going to happen

October 19th, 2014. Sunday. Back from a nice Fall break. No classes for Thursday and Friday, so I went home. Reconnected with the friends I was with over the summer. It was really good to see them. I do regret not spending much time with them back when me and Lauren were dating. Back then I was comfortable with the path that I was going. Leave those old friends behind and ride the train of success with Lauren. It was naive of me to think me and Lauren were going to last. She had a whole world to explore. She didn't want to be confined by her relationship with me. I'm not going to say that she made a mistake. Those are her terms and she can live her life. She made that choice. I'm just going to move on and continue with my life too. It's just that I left my friends behind. I'm just glad that they didn't forget me and took me back in after our the breakup. I really needed them and it was a mistake to leave them behind.

But it was fun seeing them. Sammy and Celina's baby, Lillian, is doing fine. She's the closest thing to a child that I have, since I'm her "uncle." I'm happy that I get to see her grow up over the coming years. Nathan and Jerry are doing just fine too. 

There are things that I need to change. I need more focus. No more distractions. I've been distracted a lot in my pursuit of better Chemistry grades. Over the break I've been told about how hard Chemistry at UNC is, and I need to adjust my schedule and add more studying. It's going to be more time spent in the library, less time out with Jacob and company. It's just a sacrifice that I need to make, and I truly do plan on acting on it. 

I'm also going to be adjusting my diet. I've been eating REALLY shitty lately. I haven't gained too much weight since I've still been going to the gym, but I do want to lose more, so I'm going to make better decisions about my diet. I was lax about it before, but I'm basically going to do what I did over the summer to lose weight. Which is watching my calorie count again and forcing myself to avoid high calorie foods. Which is the obvious way of losing weight but I usually don't care about calories. So yeah.

Yeah this was a stupid update. Not much going on. I've been pretty apathetic with the girls that I'm interested in. But I think I'm still going to talk to the third girl. Out of all of the girls, she seems like the one that has similar goals to me. Having someone like that in my life again will be nice. Being with Lauren made me happy. We talked about grades, getting into medical school and problems surrounding that. I was comfortable.

I've learned not to get too comfortable. I let my walls down, and was vulnerable. My breakup with Lauren was borderline devastating, and its effects are still around even today, though obviously much more diluted. As much as I want to date a girl like third girl, I know that it's going to take a lot to let my walls down again. This isn't something that I'm worrying about too much, but it's something to think about.

forcing myself to not care again coupled with the attempt to be more self-confident

October 9th, 2014. Thursday. I need a nap. I need to start studying. I have so much shit to do but I've been procrastinating my ass off. But this weekend we're playing catch up and hopefully I'll get stuff done.

Lauren doesn't matter. And I'm going to keep telling myself that over and over. Focus on the people that really do care for me. That's what I told myself over the summer. And I let myself forget that for awhile. It needs to be brought back. I have to forget her. I just have to.

I know people who can just surround themselves with so many other people/acquaintances/friends, lose count. and still be happy. I'm not that type of person. I like having few friends with deep bonds. That's why losing Lauren was so hard. I had a connection with her that I have never had with anybody else. I miss having a girl that I care about on that level. I'm happier with a girlfriend, and I yearn that relationship.

At the same time, I'm wary of letting someone back into my heart again. Heartbreak sucks. I wish I was better at dealing with it. I don't want to have to deal with that again. I understand, though, that I need to take risks sometimes.

I also need more confidence. It's something I've improved on lately, but I can do more. Not douchebaggy more. I'm just very shy when it comes to girls that I'm really attracted to.

Anyway, I don't really have any news. I'm still hanging out with the same people. Haven't seen Lauren. Haven't talked to the girls that I'm interested in. Oh but I can talk about the third girl that I mentioned in the previous blog.

The third girl (I'll just refer to her as "third girl") is hard to describe without revealing too much about her. But she's really cute and I've liked talking to her so far. We'll see how that goes.

But that's about it. I'm tired, and I have shit to do before I can justify taking a nap. Wish me luck, I'm definitely going to need it.

Pictures make me remember. Remembering sucks.

I know that this is earlier than my usually weekly entry, but I've had a lot on my mind recently and I need to use this as an outlet to let these feelings out. Which I guess was the original intent of this blog anyway.

It sucks that despite having people to hang out with I still find myself thinking about my old group. The group with Lauren in it.

Today I hung out with Jacob, and some of the guys from the 214 suite last year, today at Jacob's apartment. It was fun just taking a break from studying. They're all really cool people and it makes me happy to call them all friends. But then I see that my friends from my old group got together tonight and hung out. They were all fun to hang out with. It just pisses me off that the breakup severed my ties with all of them. It shouldn't. They don't want to be around me. Mostly because of Lauren. It shouldn't bother me because I have my own set of friends. I have my own goals. My old friends shouldn't matter. But it DOES. I've known most of them for years. It's fucking stupid how ousted I am. Why do I fucking care so much?

Me and Jacob drove out really late last Thursday night. Till like 3 am. Just to talk. I think without Lexie around he doesn't have someone to talk to. I had an important presentation the next day. But as a bro and his best friend second to Lexie, I felt obligated. Still, I'm glad we had a chance to talk. I told him a lot about Lauren. More than he knew already. And I guess this is what's bringing back all these memories. I've been thinking about her again. I don't want to.

Jacob said I need more self-confidence with these girls that I'm interested in. I know that. I know I'm not confident at all. Jacob made a good point that it's so easy to just fall back to that person from before instead of building up the courage to talk to someone new. I know looks aren't everything, but I feel so out of everyone's league, and sometimes I feel like being with Lauren would just be easier. I know I'm not the best looking person, but Lauren still wanted to be with me back then. And even though she was bigger than most girls, I wanted to be with her too. So many of my friends like to comment on how big she was since we aren't together anymore. They also tell me how much bullshit Lauren gave me and how it was good that I got out of that. On the outside I laugh and agree with them. But internally I can't bring myself to dislike her. I spent my summer forcing myself to hate her to make me feel better. But it didn't make me feel better. I can't hate the first girl to ever love and care about me (other than family). I can't hate the girl that gave me the best summer that I had ever had.

But don't get me confused with someone that is still love sick. I want to talk to the girl who lives in the dorm next to me. To the history girl. To \a third girl that I will explain in another blog. I want to meet new people. I want to expand. That was the whole reason me and Lauren broke up anyway.

Things would've been so much easier if me and Lauren just talked. And I still want to. But not to get back together, to patch things up. I want to start over. Be reintroduced back into the old group. I'd like Lauren as a friend. Nothing more.

When we broke up I wanted to be her friend in the hopes that we'd get back together. That was a mistake. I don't want to get back together. Not now at least. I'm not the kind of person that makes guarantees about the future. At least not anymore. But I know right now that I don't want to be together. I want to talk to other girls. Find happiness elsewhere. Jacob and Lexie learned that they couldn't be together. They're still friends. I think I'd like that with Lauren. Maybe we wouldn't hang out as much as Jacob and Lexie do/did. But it'd be nice to have someone to talk to from time to time. Alex and Jacob are the only people that I really have who listen to my problems. I'd like another person's opinion too. I guess for now, this blog will just have to do. Thanks!

Calm before the storm? Or actual normality?

October 1st, 2014. Wednesday. As title indicates, nothing exciting has been happening. Sorry. But let's recap anyway.

I had really bad test grades. Really bad. I dropped my bio class so I can better focus on everything else. And I've been going to the library a lot. I need to get my shit together with these classes. But I can do it. I have to.

I saw Lauren again. Just passing by. We waved. No big deal.

I've been seeing the girl who lives in the dorm next to me a lot. But honestly I'm not feeling excited about her as much anymore. Maybe I'm just tired of forcing myself into situations where I see her. I just lack effort at this point.

No progress with cute history girl either.

No roommate drama as of late. He stays in the room more often though, since the whole business with his ladies.

No suitemate troubles either.

Honestly that's all I have for now. I'm totally predicting some crazy stuff happening soon. I said last blog that I liked consistency, but some crazy spontaneity makes things less boring. Like I always say, we'll see how it all goes down soon. Thanks for reading!