I know that this is earlier than my usually weekly entry, but I've had a lot on my mind recently and I need to use this as an outlet to let these feelings out. Which I guess was the original intent of this blog anyway.
It sucks that despite having people to hang out with I still find myself thinking about my old group. The group with Lauren in it.
Today I hung out with Jacob, and some of the guys from the 214 suite last year, today at Jacob's apartment. It was fun just taking a break from studying. They're all really cool people and it makes me happy to call them all friends. But then I see that my friends from my old group got together tonight and hung out. They were all fun to hang out with. It just pisses me off that the breakup severed my ties with all of them. It shouldn't. They don't want to be around me. Mostly because of Lauren. It shouldn't bother me because I have my own set of friends. I have my own goals. My old friends shouldn't matter. But it DOES. I've known most of them for years. It's fucking stupid how ousted I am. Why do I fucking care so much?
Me and Jacob drove out really late last Thursday night. Till like 3 am. Just to talk. I think without Lexie around he doesn't have someone to talk to. I had an important presentation the next day. But as a bro and his best friend second to Lexie, I felt obligated. Still, I'm glad we had a chance to talk. I told him a lot about Lauren. More than he knew already. And I guess this is what's bringing back all these memories. I've been thinking about her again. I don't want to.
Jacob said I need more self-confidence with these girls that I'm interested in. I know that. I know I'm not confident at all. Jacob made a good point that it's so easy to just fall back to that person from before instead of building up the courage to talk to someone new. I know looks aren't everything, but I feel so out of everyone's league, and sometimes I feel like being with Lauren would just be easier. I know I'm not the best looking person, but Lauren still wanted to be with me back then. And even though she was bigger than most girls, I wanted to be with her too. So many of my friends like to comment on how big she was since we aren't together anymore. They also tell me how much bullshit Lauren gave me and how it was good that I got out of that. On the outside I laugh and agree with them. But internally I can't bring myself to dislike her. I spent my summer forcing myself to hate her to make me feel better. But it didn't make me feel better. I can't hate the first girl to ever love and care about me (other than family). I can't hate the girl that gave me the best summer that I had ever had.
But don't get me confused with someone that is still love sick. I want to talk to the girl who lives in the dorm next to me. To the history girl. To \a third girl that I will explain in another blog. I want to meet new people. I want to expand. That was the whole reason me and Lauren broke up anyway.
Things would've been so much easier if me and Lauren just talked. And I still want to. But not to get back together, to patch things up. I want to start over. Be reintroduced back into the old group. I'd like Lauren as a friend. Nothing more.
When we broke up I wanted to be her friend in the hopes that we'd get back together. That was a mistake. I don't want to get back together. Not now at least. I'm not the kind of person that makes guarantees about the future. At least not anymore. But I know right now that I don't want to be together. I want to talk to other girls. Find happiness elsewhere. Jacob and Lexie learned that they couldn't be together. They're still friends. I think I'd like that with Lauren. Maybe we wouldn't hang out as much as Jacob and Lexie do/did. But it'd be nice to have someone to talk to from time to time. Alex and Jacob are the only people that I really have who listen to my problems. I'd like another person's opinion too. I guess for now, this blog will just have to do. Thanks!
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