been studying for finals! sorry for no posts

December 7th, 2014. Sunday. 

It's finals week. Sorry for the lack of posts. Been way to busy with various things in my life. So I guess we can recap from when I last posted.

Thanksgiving Break was really chill. I needed a break. I bought Pokemon Omega Ruby and played the shit out of that most of break. My family and I went to Virginia to celebrate Thanksgiving. We went Black Friday shopping and I bought a shit ton of sweaters. Gotta stay warm during this cold season! It's funny, we actually didn't sit down and have a big family Thanksgiving dinner like most people do. Instead we went straight to shopping Thursday night and Friday morning. Having turkey and a big meal like most people isn't that important to us. It is a day to be thankful, but I like being cliche and saying that everyday we should be thankful. Which, though cliche, is true, and I guess that justifies me not caring too much about it! And hey, I spent quality time with my family for most of break, and that to me is more important than a big dinner.

Then I came back. Studied Orgo for the whole week, took the exam, then studying Analytical chem for next few days. The Orgo exam wasn't bad at all, so I hope I got a B or something like that. Having a D would be a setback so let's hope that doesn't happen.

I actually have a Spanish exam tomorrow, but as long as I don't fail it I'll be fine. I think even with a C on the exam I'll still have a B, so hopefully that's the case.

Haven't seen third girl in a long time. But I don't care about all that right now. I just want to pass all these exams. I'm probably going to pursue less at this point. Actively trying to get a girlfriend would be a distraction to my mind. If something happens (whatever that may be), then yeah I won't waste an opportunity. But in my mind I won't be actively forcing myself to crush on this or that girl. Focusing on my studies is the key theme for next semester. 

And thanks for reading! I'm almost at 1k views, even though I don't know why any of you read this. But hey, I don't mind, keep on going! 

Too busy. Things will pick up, I guarantee it

November 17th, 2014. Monday.

I have a pretty tough week this week. Or I guess a really tough Wednesday. I have an exam tomorrow night, but I have an organic chemistry exam, an analytical chemistry test and a spanish presentation all on Wednesday. I will be doing absolutely nothing after Wednesday, I'll go ahead and tell you.

I studied, but I always feel like I could have done more. But I'm not going to sit and regret that. Only thing I can do now is be confident and hope to do well.

I performed at a mini concert for the ukulele group. It was fun actually, but short. The spring concert will be more hype though!

I haven't talked to third girl much. I haven't thought about her much given all the studying that I've been doing. I'm also just really tired and I honestly don't feel like putting any effort into reaching out and asking her out, or any other girl really right now. I know I have to make an effort at some point if I really want to be in a relationship. Life isn't that easy and a relationship isn't a one way street. I guess in a way I'm not particularly ready to be in a relationship either. Until I reach that point where I want to actually go out and make an effort to find a girl I care about, I guess I'm just going with the flow for a while.

Sorry for the lack of interesting content lately. Exams are coming up and I just haven't had the time. I promise next week I'll give some more interesting stories about my life. It's just now all I do is go to class and study. But after that's done I'm sure things will pick up.

in preparation for a difficult week

November 11, 2014. Tuesday. My mom's birthday!

To be completely honest with you, nothing interesting has been going on lately. It's been fairly quiet.
I've talked to the third girl whenever I can, but I've been trying my hardest to focus on school. I get distracted way too easily.

This week is mostly just a preparation week. Next week I have a presentation and 2 chemistry exams. Cramming everything in that week would suck so I'm covering all my bases this week so I'll be okay next week.

Yeah I really don't have any more updates. Things have been slow, but we'll see if shit picks up soon. The quiet usually doesn't last long anyway.

Quick change

So I've been getting a little more views on my blog. So I've decided to make anonymous some of the names that I use in my blogs, particularly the girls that I like. I'm keeping those private. The most recent girl, as stated in one of the blogs, will be referred to as "third girl." Sorry if this bothers any of the ~30 viewers that I get hahahaha. Thanks for reading I guess.

Focus and a lot of maybe's

November 1st. Saturday. Been a pretty interesting week.

Halloween last night was great. I met up with some friends that I haven't talked to in a while and we just perused Franklin Street. There were some kickass costumes around. I was just an old man, put together last minute.

I didn't talk to third girl much this week. I wanted to see if she'd like to go with me to this party tonight, but don't think that's going to happen.

Saw Lauren yesterday after lunch. I was in a foul mood so I had to avoid her or I might have said something rude, or something like that.

The week in general has just been pretty awful. Mediocre test grades, general tired-ness, lack of progress with third girl. I've been asking myself a lot of "why" questions lately. Why aren't things working in my favor? Shit like that.

I still really like her, but I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting the notion of dating at this point in time. It just seems like her and her general group of friends aren't in the dating scene at the moment. Her and her friends went out on Thursday night. Maybe they just want to have fun and be free. Could I be wasting my time? Maybe I should be doing the same. Maybe by not caring I'll feel better mentally.

Someone once told me that with the path I'm going through with school, I'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices. I've been out of focus. I need to get back in. I need to stop worrying about what other people think, whether third girl likes me or not, whether Lauren still affects me emotionally or not. I need to do better in school. I'm going to focus everything on that, and the other things will happen on their own accord, not mine.

I'm not letting everything bring me down. I've been pretty negative all week, and I'm tired of it. We all have our ups and downs, and I'm ready to ride the train up for the next while. I'll see all of you there.

in need of some R&R (such an outdated term) + been doing pretty good

October 24th, 2014. Friday. I'm waiting for Jacob to get here, then we're just going to chill. It's been a mentally taxing week and I need a break. Two Chemistry exams and a Spanish paper have drained me. The Analytical Chemistry test was awful. I have a D in that class, but sadly so do a lot of people. The average on the test was a 69. The other teacher's class had a 91 average. Says a lot. The Organic Chemistry exam wasn't bad but I studied 10x more for that one anyway. Fuck man, I need to do better.

Enough about school. I've been doing really well. I saw third girl A LOT this week. I was in the library every day this week. It's my new home. Turns out she hangs around the library a lot as well. I've basically found more reason to go there now. I talked to her several times, established myself as a friend I guess.

I really do like her. But part of me is so apathetic about asking her out. I guess my grades are a factor in that. Maybe fear of rejection is another. But I hate that. I hate using that as an excuse. It shouldn't be. I got too comfortable with Lauren, maybe that's why. But I'm not really going to mention Lauren much anymore. I don't care about her anymore, so writing about her is pointless unless she talks to me. Anyway, I'm comfortable talking to third girl. She's smart and really cares about both doing good in school and having fun. She isn't just a workaholic but she also doesn't neglect school either. Funny, she reminds me a lot of how Lauren was. I can see me in a relationship with her. But she also doesn't come off as someone who really wants to be in a relationship. She likes talking to different people and socializing, not someone tied down. But it's not like you're that tied down in a relationship. Unless she wants to have sex with a shit ton of guys. Then of course a relationship wouldn't be for her, but she doesn't seem like that kind of girl. (disclaimer: that "kind of girl" isn't a bad kind of girl, just clarifying in case someone interprets otherwise).  I really don't know. The only way I'll know for sure is if I continue talking to her and ask her on a date. That's it. Yet that seems so hard for me. I wish everything would just fall right on my lap but life's not that easy. So I'll "grow some balls" (hate that term too) and see what I can do.

Anyway as for other updates, I'm back at it at the gym. Had a good workout today. As I mentioned before in the last blog, I gained some weight, which means more dieting and more gym. I hate dieting, but who doesn't? I spent the summer dieting and it was shitty. Passing by that damn McDonald's a minute away from my house and not getting anything the whole summer was a shame. Okay I lied, I did treat myself a few times. But I only got Fish Fillets, so does that really count?

Suitemates are still interestingly weird. The fire alarm went off yesterday and John and Andrew were making a fool out of themselves. John yelled at people. People looked at them funny. Sometimes I wish I didn't know them. But at the same time I sympathize and appreciate them. It could be worse. Definitely could be worse.

Yeah that's about it. Even though this week was fucking tiring, there were a lot of positives. And I'm hoping that the positives are here to stay.

Fall break fun, comfortability + major changes are going to happen

October 19th, 2014. Sunday. Back from a nice Fall break. No classes for Thursday and Friday, so I went home. Reconnected with the friends I was with over the summer. It was really good to see them. I do regret not spending much time with them back when me and Lauren were dating. Back then I was comfortable with the path that I was going. Leave those old friends behind and ride the train of success with Lauren. It was naive of me to think me and Lauren were going to last. She had a whole world to explore. She didn't want to be confined by her relationship with me. I'm not going to say that she made a mistake. Those are her terms and she can live her life. She made that choice. I'm just going to move on and continue with my life too. It's just that I left my friends behind. I'm just glad that they didn't forget me and took me back in after our the breakup. I really needed them and it was a mistake to leave them behind.

But it was fun seeing them. Sammy and Celina's baby, Lillian, is doing fine. She's the closest thing to a child that I have, since I'm her "uncle." I'm happy that I get to see her grow up over the coming years. Nathan and Jerry are doing just fine too. 

There are things that I need to change. I need more focus. No more distractions. I've been distracted a lot in my pursuit of better Chemistry grades. Over the break I've been told about how hard Chemistry at UNC is, and I need to adjust my schedule and add more studying. It's going to be more time spent in the library, less time out with Jacob and company. It's just a sacrifice that I need to make, and I truly do plan on acting on it. 

I'm also going to be adjusting my diet. I've been eating REALLY shitty lately. I haven't gained too much weight since I've still been going to the gym, but I do want to lose more, so I'm going to make better decisions about my diet. I was lax about it before, but I'm basically going to do what I did over the summer to lose weight. Which is watching my calorie count again and forcing myself to avoid high calorie foods. Which is the obvious way of losing weight but I usually don't care about calories. So yeah.

Yeah this was a stupid update. Not much going on. I've been pretty apathetic with the girls that I'm interested in. But I think I'm still going to talk to the third girl. Out of all of the girls, she seems like the one that has similar goals to me. Having someone like that in my life again will be nice. Being with Lauren made me happy. We talked about grades, getting into medical school and problems surrounding that. I was comfortable.

I've learned not to get too comfortable. I let my walls down, and was vulnerable. My breakup with Lauren was borderline devastating, and its effects are still around even today, though obviously much more diluted. As much as I want to date a girl like third girl, I know that it's going to take a lot to let my walls down again. This isn't something that I'm worrying about too much, but it's something to think about.

forcing myself to not care again coupled with the attempt to be more self-confident

October 9th, 2014. Thursday. I need a nap. I need to start studying. I have so much shit to do but I've been procrastinating my ass off. But this weekend we're playing catch up and hopefully I'll get stuff done.

Lauren doesn't matter. And I'm going to keep telling myself that over and over. Focus on the people that really do care for me. That's what I told myself over the summer. And I let myself forget that for awhile. It needs to be brought back. I have to forget her. I just have to.

I know people who can just surround themselves with so many other people/acquaintances/friends, lose count. and still be happy. I'm not that type of person. I like having few friends with deep bonds. That's why losing Lauren was so hard. I had a connection with her that I have never had with anybody else. I miss having a girl that I care about on that level. I'm happier with a girlfriend, and I yearn that relationship.

At the same time, I'm wary of letting someone back into my heart again. Heartbreak sucks. I wish I was better at dealing with it. I don't want to have to deal with that again. I understand, though, that I need to take risks sometimes.

I also need more confidence. It's something I've improved on lately, but I can do more. Not douchebaggy more. I'm just very shy when it comes to girls that I'm really attracted to.

Anyway, I don't really have any news. I'm still hanging out with the same people. Haven't seen Lauren. Haven't talked to the girls that I'm interested in. Oh but I can talk about the third girl that I mentioned in the previous blog.

The third girl (I'll just refer to her as "third girl") is hard to describe without revealing too much about her. But she's really cute and I've liked talking to her so far. We'll see how that goes.

But that's about it. I'm tired, and I have shit to do before I can justify taking a nap. Wish me luck, I'm definitely going to need it.

Pictures make me remember. Remembering sucks.

I know that this is earlier than my usually weekly entry, but I've had a lot on my mind recently and I need to use this as an outlet to let these feelings out. Which I guess was the original intent of this blog anyway.

It sucks that despite having people to hang out with I still find myself thinking about my old group. The group with Lauren in it.

Today I hung out with Jacob, and some of the guys from the 214 suite last year, today at Jacob's apartment. It was fun just taking a break from studying. They're all really cool people and it makes me happy to call them all friends. But then I see that my friends from my old group got together tonight and hung out. They were all fun to hang out with. It just pisses me off that the breakup severed my ties with all of them. It shouldn't. They don't want to be around me. Mostly because of Lauren. It shouldn't bother me because I have my own set of friends. I have my own goals. My old friends shouldn't matter. But it DOES. I've known most of them for years. It's fucking stupid how ousted I am. Why do I fucking care so much?

Me and Jacob drove out really late last Thursday night. Till like 3 am. Just to talk. I think without Lexie around he doesn't have someone to talk to. I had an important presentation the next day. But as a bro and his best friend second to Lexie, I felt obligated. Still, I'm glad we had a chance to talk. I told him a lot about Lauren. More than he knew already. And I guess this is what's bringing back all these memories. I've been thinking about her again. I don't want to.

Jacob said I need more self-confidence with these girls that I'm interested in. I know that. I know I'm not confident at all. Jacob made a good point that it's so easy to just fall back to that person from before instead of building up the courage to talk to someone new. I know looks aren't everything, but I feel so out of everyone's league, and sometimes I feel like being with Lauren would just be easier. I know I'm not the best looking person, but Lauren still wanted to be with me back then. And even though she was bigger than most girls, I wanted to be with her too. So many of my friends like to comment on how big she was since we aren't together anymore. They also tell me how much bullshit Lauren gave me and how it was good that I got out of that. On the outside I laugh and agree with them. But internally I can't bring myself to dislike her. I spent my summer forcing myself to hate her to make me feel better. But it didn't make me feel better. I can't hate the first girl to ever love and care about me (other than family). I can't hate the girl that gave me the best summer that I had ever had.

But don't get me confused with someone that is still love sick. I want to talk to the girl who lives in the dorm next to me. To the history girl. To \a third girl that I will explain in another blog. I want to meet new people. I want to expand. That was the whole reason me and Lauren broke up anyway.

Things would've been so much easier if me and Lauren just talked. And I still want to. But not to get back together, to patch things up. I want to start over. Be reintroduced back into the old group. I'd like Lauren as a friend. Nothing more.

When we broke up I wanted to be her friend in the hopes that we'd get back together. That was a mistake. I don't want to get back together. Not now at least. I'm not the kind of person that makes guarantees about the future. At least not anymore. But I know right now that I don't want to be together. I want to talk to other girls. Find happiness elsewhere. Jacob and Lexie learned that they couldn't be together. They're still friends. I think I'd like that with Lauren. Maybe we wouldn't hang out as much as Jacob and Lexie do/did. But it'd be nice to have someone to talk to from time to time. Alex and Jacob are the only people that I really have who listen to my problems. I'd like another person's opinion too. I guess for now, this blog will just have to do. Thanks!

Calm before the storm? Or actual normality?

October 1st, 2014. Wednesday. As title indicates, nothing exciting has been happening. Sorry. But let's recap anyway.

I had really bad test grades. Really bad. I dropped my bio class so I can better focus on everything else. And I've been going to the library a lot. I need to get my shit together with these classes. But I can do it. I have to.

I saw Lauren again. Just passing by. We waved. No big deal.

I've been seeing the girl who lives in the dorm next to me a lot. But honestly I'm not feeling excited about her as much anymore. Maybe I'm just tired of forcing myself into situations where I see her. I just lack effort at this point.

No progress with cute history girl either.

No roommate drama as of late. He stays in the room more often though, since the whole business with his ladies.

No suitemate troubles either.

Honestly that's all I have for now. I'm totally predicting some crazy stuff happening soon. I said last blog that I liked consistency, but some crazy spontaneity makes things less boring. Like I always say, we'll see how it all goes down soon. Thanks for reading!

Ups and Downs. Over and Over. I prefer consistency

September 26th, 2014. Friday. It's 1 am as I type this. I was about to go take a shower, but my suitemate Victor decided to waltz himself in the bathroom before I could.

I feel like I haven't really mentioned much about my suite, so I'll do that first.

My suite is pretty diverse, just like last year. However with my suitemates last year there was a lot of synergy. We all got along really well and they're all my friends even now that we're all living in different dorms and such. But these new guys are different. Within my suite you can categorize each person as either someone who is never in the suite or someone who never leaves the suite. Victor, Mark and my roommate fit the category of those who are never in the suite. John and Andrew are categorized as those who just never leave. Me and one other guy, Travis, aren't really put into a specific category. And as you could imagine, I happen to get along with Travis the most. He's just an average dude, nothing really special about him. He does have this weird quirk where he chuckles every time he says like 6 words, but it's not really that bad. On the other hand we have John, Travis's roommate. John NEVER leaves. Unless he's getting food. Or class. But honestly I've never seen him leave to go to class before. But I guess I contribute that to I'm generally away from the room when most people's classes are over. But besides that he's just in his room. He's there. All. The. Time. It's kind of sad. But anyway, Travis and John seem to get along, but I guess that's because they both like to talk. John however is pretty eccentric. Leaning towards the not good type of eccentric. He just says the weirdest shit sometimes. And he can be pretty creepy when he passes by the room. I'd give examples but I'm pretty tired and can't think of any right now. But yeah he's a weird dude. But nice. Nice and weird, annoyingly weird, but nice. Makes sense, I know. Now for Andrew and Mark. Andrew is like John. He never leaves. I forgot to mention they both play video games pretty extensively. But thing is John just plays this one airplane game. That's it. Andrew I believe plays a lot of different games, which is better. But he also doesn't leave that much. And he's not as talkative as John. With John and Travis, I can strike up a conversation whenever. But Andrew just says hello to me and that's about it. It's worse with Mark. I don't think I've heard him say more than 3 words at a time. And he's never there. He comes back from class, then goes back out again, either to study or play soccer or something. He plays soccer practically every day, contributing to him never being there. Lastly we have Victor. I generally see my suitemates, even the ones that are never there, at least once a day. I can go days without seeing Victor. He's always gone. Worse than Mark. Victor has a lot of friends, it seems like. When he is here he's never alone. There's always someone in his room when he's here. He lives in a single, but I've seen this random dude that has stayed in his room for like 3 weeks. Don't know who he is. He's just there. I was thinking that he was Victor's boyfriend, but I have no definitive proof of that. So yeah. Victor is an anomaly. But he seems cool from the few times that I've spoken to him,

That was way more than I wanted to say about that but oh well. Anyway onto stuff about me.

I did pretty bad on my Analytical Chemistry exam. I was below the average, which is always something that I strive to beat. I'm waiting for two more exam grades, so I'm hoping that those will help. I did good on my lab report. B+. I'll take that considering it was the very first lab report, and there's room for improvement.

I don't understand Ex 2 and my roommate. They fight. They become friends again. Then they fight. It's this constant battle. Then Ex 2 talks to me, with very obvious sadness. And I try to give her advice. But I'm not a therapist. I'm not doing anything psychology related. I just try my best to help, but I'm not the best person to go to. I wish I could do more.

I had an annoying thought. I think about all the time I spent last year with Lauren. I spent so many hours talking and skyping her over the weekend. Or coming home to see her. Or her coming to Chapel Hill. I realized that all that time could have been spent on hanging out with my friends, or hell even make some new ones. I wasted a huge chunk of my first year on her. Only for her to abandon me. She gets to experience a true first year of college. She can make some new friends, and explore. I never got that opportunity. It's sad. But I'm thankful that I improved relations with the friends that I did make. Hanging out with Jacob. Frequent trips to the dining hall with Tyler and the guys from 214 last year. I got lucky, but it's just a regret that I have.

I saw the girl who lives in the dorm next to me so much this week. Or at least the start of the week. Monday we left our respective dorms at basically the same time. Walked near each other for a good 10 minutes. I didn't say anything. I regret it. A lot. But I hope she walks the same path every MWF so I can see her again. See, I left later than usual that Monday. So I'll leave around that time again and hope to see her.

Besides her, there's a cute girl in my history class. She looks like a freshman. Really short, like 5'1. She doesn't seem receptive to talking at all, but I generally try and sit near her to see what'll happen.

A lot of good things came about this week. And a lot of not so good things. It makes life interesting, but I guess I'm an old man at heart and really like consistency. That time will come some day, but for now I'll revel in the spontaneity that college tends to bring. Have a good day!

Too much for one person to handle but I'm trying my absolute best as if saying that isn't cliche at all but hey

September 18th, 2014. Thursday. In the midst of my first set of midterms. A giant shitstorm of various problems has just left. Fortunately the problems weren't really about me, but due to some circumstances, I managed to get myself involved. And fortunately, things seem to be dying down, so that'll do me some good as I study for the next few exams coming up.

I guess I'll try to start with other things before the big stuff.

I've still been hanging out with Jacob, Tyler, and the guys from suite 214 and the girls from suite 807 from Hinton James. Glad that they've stuck around.

I've been going to the gym. Lost a couple of pounds so far. I'm looking better and better everyday and it's been nice.

Been going to Ukulele practice the past few weeks. I've really enjoyed it, Met some cool people and hopefully I can establish myself better in their group.

Went to Gamefest last weekend, where a bunch of video game tournaments occurred. Me and Jacob played a Pokemon Showdown tournament. I managed to make the finals of an 18 man tourney, but lost to someone who topped the ladder at some point in time and who is really really good.

Honestly I'm trying to meet some new people. I thought my roommate and Ex 2 would be cool to hang with but after everything that has happened I don't see that as a possibility anymore. I guess I can elaborate on that now.

The problems come from my roommate and the two girls he's been sleeping with. Ex 1 is the freshman girl, Ex 2 is the junior transfer girl. Last Tuesday, I was finishing up my 5 page paper. I was only on page 3 and pretty stumped at this point. I also had a pre-lab to write before my Analytical Chemistry lab. Roommate hasn't been in the room all day. It's been about two weeks since I caught Ex 1 and my roommate together. Ex 2 somehow finds my twitter account, and tells me to text her as she tweets me her number. I thought that it must've been important, so I texted her. She went into the room. She starts to cry. She tells me that she had sex with my roommate, but she thinks that he doesn't really want to be friends with her anymore. This whole situation is making her panic. She wants to steal a shirt she bought for my roommate, hence her reason for coming. Knowing her history with depression, and the fact that she has attempted to kill herself before, I know I have to get involved before anything drastic happens today. I tell her about the other girl. As I predicted, she had no idea. In fact, my roommate told Ex 2 today that he has been taking a nap in the room that day, when in fact he hadn't been in the room all day because I was there and didn't see him come back. He's been lying to Ex 2 several times. And to top it all off, Ex 2 has been self-harming herself recently. My roommate knew all of this, the depression and the cutting. And when Ex 2 wanted to seek help, MY ROOMMATE SAID SHE DIDN'T NEED HELP AND THAT SHE'LL BE FINE. Ex 2 needs help. I have seen that first hand. Whatever medicine she's taking for depression wasn't helping. She needed to seek professional help. And I told her this over and over. Then my roommate came back. I had to go to my lab, so I left them alone. I made sure to not leave her alone until he came back. I was scared she'd harm herself. I go to my lab then to the library to finish up my paper. Roommate texts me saying that Ex 2 is in the ER and she's seeking help. He tells me how he acted like a scumbag. Which is true. But I'm glad she went to get help. 

All of this along with all the shit that I had to worry about with classes was not good on my stress levels. 

Anyway, now the past 2 days, roommate has acted strangely. He hasn't gone to class in these past 2 days. As I type this, he's packing several clothes into a bag. Like more than a weekend's worth I think. He packs various articles of clothing from T-shirts, to button down shirts, to a suit. I'm really confused. I'm not going to ask him either, because we haven't spoken to each other since the incident and everything is super awkward. 

So I was right. Shit blew up. 

Besides all that, I got a C in my bio exam. I'm not happy about that at all, so I'm going to go ham on some studying for Chemistry so I can at least get a grade that I'll be happy about. 

I saw Lauren at the library. She looked busy, but I had to ask her something. She knows Ex 1, and I wanted to know if she knew anything about her and my roommate. She doesn't know anything, but I do notice something. I didn't feel anything talking to her. No excitement. No happiness. No sadness. It was like talking to any random stranger. And honestly, I like this feeling. I no longer feel longing when I see her or now when I talk to her. No longing to be friends, no longing to be together again. Just nothing. If fate brings us together as anything, then it will. But it doesn't seem like it for now. And I'm happy. Happy that I feel even more free.

Lastly, no progress on with the girl in the dorm next to me. I've seen her walking with friends, and that just complicate things for me. So we'll see about that. Hopefully I can talk to her, and if anything, bring new friends into my life. I love my friends now, but I also would like a breath of fresh air.

That was so much stuff man. I hope next update is filled with more positive results. But things are looking up, and I hope everything turns out okay for everybody. 

things are getting interesting + a decision has to be made

September 7th. Sunday. I'm getting a bite to eat soon, so I gotta make this quick.

Saw Lauren once. She was with a friend of my friends. A dude. I don't know if they like each other or if they're just friends. He doesn't seem like her type, but honestly it really doesn't bother me. Surprisingly.

No progress with the girl who lives in the dorm next to me from last blog. I saw her, but unfortunately I was mid conversation with a friend and was unable to talk to her.

Surprisingly as well, I'm not worn down by all my school work. This weekend I did some studying and caught myself up with everything.

Now let's get to the interesting stuff.

I also mentioned last blog about a cute girl that was friend's with my roommate. That is his ex-girlfriend. They dated a while back in high school. He also has another ex-girlfriend. This might get confusing, so Ex 1 will represent the ex-girlfriend from previous blog, who is a freshman. Ex 2 will be the other one. She's a year older than me and my roommate. She has a lot of problems going on with her life. By that I mean depression. She dated my roommate last year and they broke up semi-recently. Her and my roommate are also friends. She's very talkative. Whenever she's in the room she'll ramble to me about random things. I enjoy hearing them. Anyway I digress, I know for a fact that my roommate and Ex 2 spent the night together last weekend. They talked to me about it. To my knowledge the extent of their actions were cuddling, nothing more. I could be wrong. And if I am wrong, that just complicates things even more. But anyway. The next Monday, I walk back to my room. Not thinking anybody was in there, I begin to unlock it. Then I hear my roommate's voice, telling me to wait a second. So I wait. I wait for approximately 2 minutes. He then opens the door. I walk in and Ex 1 is in his bed. Locked door + a 2 minute interval of waiting. I know what that means. I keep this to myself. Ex 2 knows who Ex 1 is, but I don't think they know that my roommate is seeing both of them at the same time. This is further proven when Ex 2 talks to me about how she's scared that Ex 1 will take my roommate away from her and Ex 2 and my roommate won't be friends anymore. I don't tell Ex 2 that Ex 1 and my roommate are more than just seeing each other.

I guess I'm trying to figure out whether I should get involved and tell Ex 2. I'm laying low right now, but it's only a matter of time before things blow up.

Two weeks since arrival at Chapel Hill, status report - Also going to try and make this a weekly thing

Today is August 28th, 2014. Thursday. I'll try and make this quick as I have a shit ton of studying to do.

It's been a good two weeks since I moved in to good old UNC Chapel Hill. Met my roommate. He's a nice dude. He's almost never in the room, so basically I have the room to myself for the majority of the day. I've reconnected with my suitemates from last year. My roommate last year, Jacob, has an apartment off campus and I've hung around there a few times. Had dinner with my suitemate from last year Tyler, quite a few times. But more importantly, I think I'm beginning to find my place, my clique where I feel comfortable. I didn't mention this before, but our suite as a whole last year were friends with two other suites. Several times throughout the semester our three suites would go and get dinner. We'd be those douchebag groups who'd combine like three four-person tables to fit everyone. Back then I had Lauren, so honestly I didn't think much of these people. But they were always nice to me, so I reciprocated the feeling whenever I was with them. And they knew about Lauren, so that'd be something I talked about. But more to the point, some of the guys from the other suites along with Tyler, invited me to go out to the frats with them last week. I'm not much of a party kind of guy, but I decided to tag along. I never took the opportunity to go out much last year, so why not? And though we didn't really find much, I was glad I actually had people to hang out with. I didn't need Lauren's group. They didn't invite me to anything, so why bother? Anyway I've been around this new group for a while. I have class with some of them, so I sit with them and eat at the dining hall after class. That's been nice. I've also hung around with Jacob a lot. He's probably my best friend here at UNC. As I said before, we hung around his place with his roommates. His roommates are cool too, they're the girls from one of the three suites I mentioned earlier. He's pretty lucky, I guess.

I've also tried participating in new extracurriculars too. I joined ukulele club. Met up with my friend Kat, who also plays ukulele. I kind of liked her a few months after me and Lauren broke up, but nothing really happened so I guess we're just okay friends. Waiting for an e-mail regarding a research opportunity as well, so that'll be some interesting stuff. I also plan on volunteering at the same school as last semester. I tutored kids for an after school program. It helped take my mind off the break up with Lauren.

But I know what you all want to know. Yes, I did see Lauren. Only once. It was the night me, Tyler, and the guys from the other suite went out to the frat houses. We caught the bus going to the frats. This bus was located outside our dorm last year, Hinton James. This dorm is the biggest dorm for first-year students on campus, so most of the people at the bus stop were first-years. Lauren happens to live in Hinton James, but I wasn't anticipating actually seeing her there. But she was there. She wasn't going on the bus though. She left her dorm, but walked somewhere else. The direction she was going was weird, I honestly don't really know what she was doing, but she walked passed us. I called out her name, she turned, said hey, and walked away. That was it. Anticlimactic, I know. But this exchange made me mad. In retrospect I had know real reason to be angry, but I was. It was the cheerful way she said "hey." After blocking me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me, she wanted to give me a cheerful hello? It was a very stupid reason to be angry, but I was. It showed that I hadn't fully moved on. I can willfully admit that. I texted my friend Alex, from high school. She goes to ECU, a university an hour away from UNC. She was, and is still my closest female friend. I had a small crush on her, but honestly I knew we weren't ever going to date. But anyway, she told me to forget about her. She helped me remember to focus on the people who really care about you, not on people who no longer do. I saw Lauren's friends/my old group that night too. They knew I was upset. I haven't seen any of them since that night.

It doesn't really matter now, though. I'm in a new group of friends. I also met my new roommate's friend, who have been nothing but nice to me. I'm invited to go to a concert with them soon, so that'll be fun. I have friends, I'm actually doing shit. I'm not the boy from last year who skyped his girlfriend on Saturday nights for 4 hours. I'm not tied down in a relationship anymore. I'm free. And I'm happy. I hope things continue this way. It's been a very long time since I've felt this comfortable.

P.S. As for any girls, or "prospects" as Tyler likes to say, there are a few. There's a girl who lives in the dorm next to mine. I've seen her a few times. Unfortunately I haven't had a chance to talk to her. She's friends with some friends of mine as well, so there was mutual friendship I could incorporate in a conversation. However the only problem is that I have no way of actually starting conversation without making me seem creepy. So unless I can think of something, that's not happening.

Also my roommate now has a friend who's cute as well. I talked to her briefly. The only reason I noticed her honestly was because she said she lived on the 8th floor of Hinton James, the same floor as Lauren. I quickly asked if she knew her, and she told me she has talked to her a few times.

So yeah there's two prospects. The second girl isn't really so much a prospect, but the first one is. We'll see how all of that goes. Thanks for reading!

lolwhyareyoudoingthis #thatanswerwillberevealedheresoreaditandenjoy

It's August 12th, 2014. The day after my 20th birthday. "You're old." It's 2 am. Sleep escapes me, so why not start this now? I've been planning on doing this for a while now. But, what is "this" exactly? "This" is going to be the vessel where I lay out my inner thoughts. Cliche, I know. But it has a purpose, a reason. And this reason will be explained through a look at the past.

May 2013. Nearing the end of my senior year of high school. I made new friends that year. I drifted from the group of friends that I had since elementary school. I didn't regret it. One best friend had a baby on the way. A girl. And he didn't tell me until 2 months after his girlfriend's pregnancy. The other friend started using drugs. He was far gone in my eyes. My new friends were people from our high school's swim team, which I was a part of. Our swim team was close, for the most part. There were a few exceptions, but generally, we were a pact. Every Friday night after swim season was over, we'd have a movie night and we'd have homemade pizza. It was always the highlight of my week. I guess if you were to stereotype/judge, you'd say we were the weird hipster kids compared to the jock and goth kids (my old group never really was categorized into anything, but I'd say they were slightly on the nerdy side, but not too far from the weird hipster kids category in terms of "popularity" which is a relative statistic but I digress). The first weekend of May, I am invited to a graduation party for one of the swim team members. She wasn't really part of our "hipster" group, but the swim team in general are pretty close anyway so of course our group went. I was excited, but in the back of my mind there was something bothering me. Within our group, there was some dating going on. 3 couples, total of 6 people. And they made up the majority of our group. The other few girls that were not dating, I personally wasn't interested in. There was jealousy, I noticed, and the possibility existed that they wanted to try and flirt with me. Regardless, I went. And there I noticed that one of the girls was already trying to be clingy with me. I didn't know what to do. Then, I noticed her, for the first time. Lauren. I've known of her existence for years. I only recently became her friend, when we were together in our school's Science Olympiad team. She was close friends with 2 of our swim team members, and 2 non swim team members who we were all mutually friends with. I know, confusing, but bear with me. Of course she's made an appearance in our gatherings but was never an official member of our swim team circle. We did share a dance at prom, but I never thought anything of it. Anyway, Lauren was at this graduation party. Seeing her as a neutral savior, I went and talked to her, so as not to be bothered by the girls I wasn't interested in. This was the first time I really had a conversation with her. And I was shocked, amazed, and just happy. Cliche inbound, but we had a lot in common. She could hold a conversation. Nearing the end of this party, there was a slow song, meant for everyone to slow dance, obviously. The girl interested in me wanted to dance with me, but before she could ask, Lauren took me and we danced instead. I told her thank you, and with a smile she said it was no problem. I knew at this moment, that I wanted to get to know Ms. Casey a little more. The following week, I talked to my friend Sam, who is close to Lauren. I'll never forget his words to me. "She's not not interested in you." With that statement, I confirmed that she was also interested in me. As deemed necessary by the rules of modern dating, we started texting each other. And I learned so much about her. She was so much like me. Same tastes in music. Same life goals. Heck, even the nitpicky things, like remembering very small and really weird details about other people, and our Facebook stalking creepiness. I never felt this way about anyone before, ever. This was more than those usual crushes we all have. This felt real. And I wanted to pursue this further. I asked her out on a date. It was a Sunday. We went to Sweet Frog. I remember staying there for 3 hours, just talking and laughing and just having a good time. For a while, we'd text, occasional skype convo. She made me a mini present, which was a bag of Starbursts with a card saying "Hope you're bursting with excitement over your surprise." with her signature. I thought it was cute, and cute enough to instagram. May 31. I took Lauren to one of the movie nights that our group has. I think that was her first movie night, but she knew everyone there so it wasn't awkward or anything. I remember 2 of the girls, the ones dating 2 other guys from our group, asked me if I was going to ask her out. Secretly I said I was going to, and they giggled like normal 16 year old girls would. They said we'd look great together. That made me happy. So that night, as I took Lauren home, I turned to her street and asked if I could drive around the block so I could ask her something. I knew that she knew what was coming, and her "yes" made me pretty confident. I told her that I liked her a lot and I wanted to be her boyfriend. She said yes. And at that point, I wasn't single. I was in a relationship. And I was the happiest person in the entire world.

We spent the summer together, for the most part. I remember our date at Sonic. My car broke down, and her dad had to bring jumper cables and jump the car. I remember fireworks at the 4th of July, with the other couples in our group. We had front row seats, sat on a towel in the grass, held hands and watched those fireworks. Then an obligatory after fireworks meal at Waffle House, my first time going. She made a vine of it, of course. Summer was a blur. August came around. Freshman year at UNC was about to begin. She gave me some UNC stuff for my birthday, and made me a cookie cake in the theme of Candy Crush. I was addicted to that game, and she knew me so well. We weren't really sad when I left for Chapel Hill. We loved each other, and we knew we were going to see each other again. She was planning on applying to UNC anyway, so we saw a future for us. Fall Break, Thanksgiving I was home, and saw her. She visited me in Chapel Hill occasionally. Christmas Break, I wasn't home. I went to the Philippines and visited family. I missed her so much. I think back sometimes and I think that maybe if I was there, things would be okay now. But thinking like that isn't a good idea. Anyway, we saw each other a couple of times in January. She got accepted to UNC. Everything was falling into place That's when things happened.

We argued for the first time. And to be honest, it was my stubbornness that started it all. She had so many friends, guy friends for that matter. And I really didn't have that many friends. It's not that I cast out or shunned anyone. I just spent my time with my suitemates, and talked to Lauren any other time. I guess I never really looked for any other friends. With the exception of 2 others, they were all I had. And those 2 others didn't really want to spend that much time with me. I was sad. And jealous. And I took it all out on Lauren. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve me to tell her that she should stop talking to her friends. I said things I didn't mean. And she took it to heart. And she realized that maybe I wasn't the guy she wanted to be with forever. That there are other guys out there. She isn't wrong. But I didn't expect her to give up on me. I thought that when I came home for Spring break that we could resolve these issue. But she didn't want to wait. February 19. She broke up with me over the phone. She sent an email to me later explaining everything. I was devastated, but I had to ignore it. I was in school. For a while, I pushed it back, thinking maybe we could talk things out and be friends, or maybe even get back together. I was wrong. I told her that I missed her. She ignored me, she didn't want anything to do with me. She blocked me on every social media outlet available That was even worse than the breakup. The few friends I had helped me, though. My roommate was great. My suitemates were great. Neighbors next door were great. Heck, even the girls from the floor below were great, and I wasn't even that close to them.

Summer 2014. Coming home brought back the memories that I had been trying to repress. I tried contacting Lauren. Nothing. And that was the last time I tried. I learned, with the Lauren situation, that my friend group has kinda kept me in the dark with there activities. Our group is disbanded for the most part, but the ones still left are favored to Lauren, so to keep her happy, they didn't invite me to things. I talked to them later, but overall I knew the situation and was okay with avoiding them. I didn't want to cause any more problems. I returned to my old group. And they accepted me. And being accepted made me happy again. They helped me out more than anyone else had.

Which I guess leads us to now. I have a new start. I want to see how the semester is going to go. Will Lauren talk to me at Chapel Hill and be friends with me? Will she continue to ignore me? Will I meet someone new? Will I rejoin my old group? Will I join a new group? It's a scary, but a new and exciting time. And that's why I want to write. I want to record how things progress with my new situation. My new beginning. Hope you enjoy, as if people are going to read this anyway.